So I handed in my resignation today...
I was going to wait until early in the New Year, but then I was "cornered" into it in a meeting when it was mentioned that it seems like I've been "struggling" at work lately. Of course, I have been struggling. But I felt like it was mostly an internal issue and that it didn't outwardly affect my work all that much. Now I feel bad for having been noticably flaky at work lately - but since I haven't been outright fired, I can't have been that bad. So I'll try and put that out of mind.
Feeling good. :)
I would have felt shitty.
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ReplyDeleteOne of the things burnout does to you is make you extremely apathetic. You literally stop caring about anything. It becomes chronic detachment.
I hadn't even thought about this until I read your comment. Yes, I SHOULD have felt shitty in that meeting. And I would have if I was in a normal state of mental health. But I simply didn't care. All that mattered was that it was all over.
Oh wow. I can completely identify with your feelings here. I took a technical issue "personally" just the other day. All I think about it this issue with the project, or that project. I'm not as productive as I used to be - at the office I answer emails, sit in meetings, and "coordinate" with others. Then in the evening I go home and if I'm feeling especially guilty, will start working on the technical problems I didn't have time to work on during the day. The real work - the stuff that is on the schedule. I think I'm burned out. I'm on a death march and don't see an end in sight. The project will never be done, at least not the way its defined. I need to clone myself two or three times, and then count on my clones having that enthusiasm and vigor that I did when I first started. I love programming and I used to do it in my free time. I loved it so much I decided I would get a degree in comp sci, which was extremely rewarding. Now I wish I was back in school. Wow I had it good back then. I was result driven - the solutions to my assignments rocked and I held myself to a high standard. I'd work hard and then play hard, but now all I do is work hard. I both care and I don't care. Obviously there is something wrong here. Its a saturday and I'm thinking about the god damned project, and I'm sure the rest of my team is doing the same. Why does it have to be like this? I think this has got to be a management issue, because when I was self managed this was never a problem - school really was awesome, I wish I could go back.
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